Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize