When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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