Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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