Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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