I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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