she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
