some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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