on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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