I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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