you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Come see our sink grown plant.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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