Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
