You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I need a beard to bite.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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