god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
