my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
