when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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