One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
