can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
