I must be too annoying 4 u.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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