I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
