From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
