this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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