We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
