I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize