At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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