Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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