You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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