Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
