it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
