good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
