took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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