So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
