i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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