Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
