I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
