My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
