you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
