i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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