"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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