I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
