you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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