I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
