Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
