I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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