i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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