My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
