If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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