final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
