I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize