If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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