Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize