Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
