dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize