listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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