I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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