I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
